I literally squealed with excitement when I realized that a romance was offered among Amazon’s Kindle First choices for last month. Why? Not because I’m a hopeless romantic. Not because I’m a bored housewife. I was excited because this shit is golden. Seriously you guys. You wanna laugh out loud at a book? Read a free romance novel. This one didn’t disappoint. Not only did it fulfill all of the necessary romantic tropes (Use of the term ‘turgid length’? Check. An accidental nip-slip? Check. A crazy ex wife? Check. An impossible lead character? (In this case, a tall British man with a permanent tan and perfect teeth. HA)). Check.), it also delighted readers with its surprising, high brow vocabulary. Every now and then, the author would sprinkle in a little Thesaurus sourced treasure to make us feel better about reading a sequence of trashy sex scenes, loosely held together by a plot line. Brilliant. Here’s just a few of these titillating gems of diction:
She totally just uses these words in her everyday vocabulary, right? No way did she just do some random searching through her trusty thesaurus.
Anyway, this story is about the unconventional relationship between an Occupational Therapist named Andie, who has a heart of gold that shines despite her dark past, and a gazillionaire with a sexy accent who has an Autistic son. That son will ONLY respond to therapy administered by Andie. So what does his dad Rhys do (Rhys, you guys. I’m so serious.)? He offers her a small fortune to move in with them, other needy kids be damned. That’s what. He of course falls in love with Andie because she’s gorgeous, well endowed, and she’s special.
What makes Andie special? She’s a great OT. You never get to read a single second about her work life, and you certainly don’t get to see her in action, but the author can ASSURE us that she’s great.
She also named her car Ernie. How unique is that? Ready for more? She patches his rusty spots with nail polish. Adorable. I’m in love with her myself.
Anyway, you can guess what happens when Andie’s past and Rhy’s psycho ex-wife are brought into the picture. I won’t bore you with the details. Instead, I’ll give you all a list of the lines that made me literally LOL. Enjoy!
“The media seemed to view him with a kind of puzzled awe, buzzing with stores about the quirky genius who insisted on taking most of his meetings barefoot.”
-HELLO. Looks like Rhys is pretty quirky, too!
“His gaze skated over her soft pink mouth –full but unsmiling –and the elegant stem of her neck.”
-Add neck fetish to the list of things that make Rhys special.
“Well padded in a bulky winter jacket, she slipped by him and into the foyer with an elegant economy of movement. A frigid blast of New England air followed her in, but the chill dissolved in a warm ripple of sensation where her sleeve brushed his chest. Shrugging her jacket into his waiting hands, she stood there in hip-skimming jeans and a simple T-shirt…”
-WHOA GUYS. She’s so hot that it penetrates her jacket. Also, is there an un-economical way to
enter a doorway? I need to examine my entrances a little closer. This is important. And so are hip-skimming jeans.
“He enjoyed her look of shy surprise and the creamy flash of her throat as she laughed.”
-Again with the throat/neck. He’s a goner.
“He was tall and broad shouldered, with a presence so vivid that the air was charged with it, but his sculpted features were softened by a look that was more hobo chic than captain of industry.”
-Who doesn’t love a hobo?
“The ragged hems of a pair of old jeans trailed down over bronzed insteps and toes. Andie forced herself to wrench her gaze away from the curious intimacy of those broad, bare feet padding across the Persian rug.”
-Add foot fetish to the list of things that make Andie special. Seriously, bronzed insteps are literally not possible unless this guy is spray tanning.
“She stomped along, eyeing the deep V formed by the tapering of his lean frame from his broad shoulders to his trim waist and hips. Adding the definitive dot to the exclamation point was a show-stopping read end, lovingly encased in worn denim.”
-Mmmm. Exclamation points.
“Something about the earnest joy on his face and the blue paint smearing his cuticles opened up a shaft deep in her chest, and his smile brought light to the farthest reaches.”
-Dirty fingernails are definitely a turn on. On an emotional level, of course.
“All of a sudden she was acutely aware –at almost a granular level –of the nubby softness of his plaid shirt, the healthy animal sheen of his neck, and the warm scent rising from his skin.”
-First of all, I don’t think necks are supposed to have a sheen. And who notices necks this much
anyway?! I’m getting self conscious about my own now. Also. Nubby is NEVER an attractive
“The pitch of [her laughter] zipped through his blood, and the air felt warmer, denser, as she flung her head back, exposing the creamy expanse of her throat. ‘What’s so funny?’ he asked, his voice tight with longing.”
-IS MY THROAT CREAMY? OH GOD I NEED TO KNOW.
“Andie coulnd’t help but notice the woven muscles of Rhys’s upper arms, where they emerged from the short sleeves of his T-Shirt. They looked edible, like braided loaves baked to golden-brown perfection in an artisan’s oven. But they weren’t puffed up or showy.”
“Whenever she got within a twenty-foot radius of him, her traitorous body seemed determined to throw itself up against his, like a bobby pin stuck to an MRI scanner.”
-Now this is a comparison we can all SURELY relate to.
“He was musky and silky, and as hot as if his blood were spring fed from some volcanic source.”
-FYI, she’s talking about his dick.
And there you have it. A small sampling of The First Word by Isley Robson. Did it leave you wanting more?